Personal Posts,  Uncategorized

Alone in a Crowd

Photo by Cameron Casey from Pexels

I walk into a room full of people, they’re all sitting around a pool on the 10th floor. It is a shock to me that I don’t know any of these people, like walking through a magical barrier or an electric field. I brought my blanket because I was cold, I didn’t expect so many people to be there. They’re supposed to be my family. We say our hi’s and hello’s. I speak to the few that I recognize. I have to stand there awkwardly because there isn’t anywhere to sit without wetting my blanket. I keep staring at their faces to see if any of them are familiar but they aren’t ringing any bells. I try to convince myself to move over to the balcony but I can’t or won’t move. I’m unsure what the difference is at this point. So I’m stuck in one spot, wrapped in a blanket. I stare intensely at other people as they hold conversations and other enter the room and blend in seamlessly. My feet are starting to hurt from standing in one spot for song long. Someone says jokingly to me, “Are you going to stand in one spot all night?”. The harder I try to act normal, the more I feel disconnected. Everyone is in their own conversations in small little groups or chatting right next to each other. I can’t and won’t strike up a conversation with anyone. It’s like the scene in a movie where the protagonist walks into a large ballroom, everything and everyone tinted in various hues of pink, purple and red-orange as people gather. While the people are conversing and dancing the the camera pans over the crowd and follows the protagonist as they find their way through the crowd to find their lover or complete a secret mission. It is very much like this except their is no secret mission or secret love. Just feeling alone, disconnected, and out of place in a crowded room.

A collection of random thoughts:

The whole time all I could think is “I don’t know these people”, “There’s nowhere to sit”, “what should I do?”, *staring off while staring directly at someone who is talking*, “I just want to go back to my room, no I should try to stay a little bit longer maybe it will get better”, “don’t talk try to talk to me like nothing happened (referring to Justin)”, “I need to go. Now.”, “They probably think I’m stuck up or strange, *sarcastically* but who cares right?”

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